The first time…

August 2011

It was a sunny day and I was at work with my ex, drinking coffee, chatting, relaxing.

Suddenly something started bothering me in my throat like something was stuck inside. Maybe a small piece of leaf, dust or a small bug? (I still don’t know what it was but now I guess it was a nerve or some kind of irritation). So I got up to drink water.

After two glasses of water, the “thing” was still there, annoying me. I don’t know why but I started to worry.

And that was it.

Panic, fear, dizziness, fast heartbeat, shaking, maybe a numb. I lied down (I had a bed at my workplace) but the symptoms were there too. Fear got stronger. I told my ex to tell my uncle (who was sitting outside) to come and drive me to the doctor and so he did.

From my workplace to the doctor it’s about one and a half minute, yet it felt like a century. First time in my life I KNEW that I was going to die. That I won’t made it to the doctor. I was thinking my family and my girlfriend. I KNEW that I was not gonna see them again. I was so sad. Fear was above every logic and all I could think of was that I didn’t manage to tell them goodbye. I think I wasn’t worried about me so much then, but more for my beloved ones. And then finally I got to the doctor.

Everything was blurry so I don’t remember much. He checked my heart for sure though and he may be asked me some questions and then he gave me a pill. “Let it melt underneath your tongue” he said and I sat there for some time.

After a while, the pill started working and panic disappeared. I walked out and everything was beautiful. The sun, the trees, the grass, the people, my clear head, me.

I still don’t remember what I was thinking about what happened minutes ago. Maybe I just felt a relief that I was alive?

Who knows?

The sure thing is that I wasn’t me anymore. I still don’t know if the pill was the right thing to do. I don’t know what caused that. I realised that there are feeling left to explore other than love, hate, joy, sadness. Feelings that are not always good. Feelings that can change your life. Feelings that can change you. I believe that all the feelings have to do with that one feeling. Every feeling is a branch of a big tree and that tree is called fear.

That was the day my life changed. The day that I lost myself. That was my first major panic attack.

The second came two days later…

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